I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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