from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
