I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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