Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she looked like the before picture.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
