mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
