Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
