i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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