At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
honey bunches of taint.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
