Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
