I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
She needs sedatives and a leash
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
he had hair everywhere except his balls
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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