I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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