You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
