Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
