feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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