I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
