i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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