Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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