i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
