I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
