Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
