tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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