If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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