i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
