nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
