i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I need to align my fucking chakras
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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