Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize