I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
