I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
