I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
