Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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