I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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