I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
