State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
