yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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