I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
