Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
