I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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