Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
