We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize