According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
