I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
