dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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