even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
