I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
