If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
