if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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