In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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