dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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