you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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