He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
