I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
