if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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