U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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