This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
