Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I need to calm my uterus...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
