I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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