I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
