Im at strip club and am horny
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
