remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
