Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
