I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
