She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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