Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
