and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
