Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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